Like a Bad Porn Cliche
by kennagirl
Summary: Puck and Tina get locked in a closet. It doesn't quite go like you'd think.


The storage room under the stage was usually dark and creepy. Most of New Directions avoided going down there unless they needed something for a performance. Unfortunately, Tina needed some props for her song of the week, so she slipped down during her lunch break and let herself in.

The lights were on, which surprised her a little bit. However, when she spotted Puck curled up on the Couch of Questionable Origin, she understood. The door closed behind her, and the heavy thud startled Puck awake. He looked up, recognized Tina, smiled, and then his face fell, all in quick succession.

"Why did you let the door shut?"

"What—" He simply pointed at the door, so she turned around.

The door handle was on the floor.

"How did that happen?"

"No idea," Puck confessed. "I came down to nap my way through first period math, and ended up stuck in here. There's no cell service either."

"Yeah, we're just deep enough underground to block signals," Tina said absently. She examined the hole in the door, not sure what she was looking for. "Any luck getting it open?"

"You think I would still be here if I could?" Puck asked.

"You came down to skip math."

He opened his mouth, thought better, and closed it. "I actually like second period. Helping Coach Bieste is fun."

"You just enjoy terrorizing the freshman," she said.

His grin was wide. "Like I said, fun."

Tina looked at the door knob hole a few moments more, then sat back against the wall. "Kurt said something about poking around for candles after sixth period, so he'll be here in a while. We just need to kill a couple of hours."

"But I've already been here all morning," Puck whined. He'd never call it that, but it was definitely a whine. "I don't have anything to entertain myself."

She barely restrained herself from rolling her eyes. "I can entertain you."

The words hung in the air between them. Too late, Tina realized just how the words sounded.

"You know, I think I saw porn like this once."

Tina couldn't help it. She snorted. "I know I read porn like this once."

"Any good?"

Apparently she was going to discuss porn with Noah Puckerman. "Not bad. I've read better, though."

"Wait, read? How do you read porn? Where do you get that?"

"You know those little Harlequin romance novels that you pick up by the grocery checkout? Between the candy and People Magazine?"

"Those ones with shirtless cowboys and hot chicks?"

She smirked. "Crack one open one time and you'll see what I mean."

A variety of expressions flitted across his face, from thoughtfulness, to approval, and finally settling on shock bordering on disgust. "Dude, my nana buys a new one of those every week!"

"Nana must really enjoy reading," she quipped.

"Not cool, just… not cool, Tee." He started pacing in the limited space of the storage room, rubbing at his face. "I need brain bleach now."

"Or you could just replace it with a better mental picture."

His nose wrinkled up and he gagged exaggeratedly. "It wasn't a picture until you said that."

"Sorry," she said, only a little sorry. "Just think about Santana and Brittany doing whatever they do when they're alone."

That seemed to distract him for a moment, if the smile on his face was any indication. She contemplated leaving him to his thoughts and doing some reading for class, when he spoke again. "Wait, but shouldn't you be yelling at me about feminism and objectifying and all that crap Rachel lectures me about?"

There were two responses Tina could give to that: the safe one and the right one. The safe one would keep the secret between her and Mike. Not that the right one was dangerous, she just didn't want to deal with the inevitable fallout of it from the rest of the school unless she had a good reason. Then again, Puck wasn't a gossip like some of their other friends. He knew the value of keeping a secret. With that thought in mind, Tina looked Puck dead in the forehead (close enough to eye contact considering how nervous she was), and said frankly, "Well, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite wouldn't it, considering I've imagined the ways I could get into the middle of that sandwich."

She had the strong urge to run after dropping that bomb, but they were still stuck in the storage closet. She didn't know if it was irony or some other literary device that she was locked in a physical closet when she had just stepped out of a metaphorical one. Either way, she also had to suppress the urge to laugh hysterically until Puck broke the silence.

"Well fuck, Tina. Does Mike know about this? Because I gotta say, if he thinks it's half as hot as I do, you should get right onto letting him watch that."

She let out a breathless laugh, thankful that Puck's sex shark brain took over instead of something worse. "He knows, but it's not happening. If I hook up with any of the girls in glee club, it'll be Mercedes."

"Really?" He planted his elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his fist. "Elaborate, please. Throw me some material here."

This wasn't what she'd planned for her lunch break, but why not roll with it? "If I slept with Santana, she'd probably eat me, and not in the fun way. Doubly so if I slept with Brittany. Rachel can be scary crazy, Quinn can be crazy scary, and Sugar is just crazy irritating. But with Mercedes, it would just be fun. We'd enjoy ourselves and probably end up laughing uncontrollably at some point." She shrugged. "I like when sex is fun."

"I'm not judging," Puck said, holding his hands up in surrender. "But if you didn't know them and just saw them walking down the street, which of the girls would you sleep with?"

"All," she said simply.

Puck's eyes bugged out of his head. "All?"

"More like I can't decide. They're all hot. In case you haven't noticed, we have a good-looking club," she pointed out. "If Rachel somehow became convinced that an orgy was a good team-building exercise, I'd buy a box of condoms and make sure to shave my legs."

Tina's face was bright red, she could feel, but Puck looked like his entire worldview had just been rewritten. "Just— Damn."

"What?" she asked defensively.

"We should pitch that idea to Rachel because I wouldn't mind getting in on that action."

"Just for the girls, or the guys too?" It was simple curiosity, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she hoped she hadn't stepped on a land mine.

"Anybody and everybody," he said easily, but there was a tightness in his shoulders, one that made her think he was talking in real-life terms instead of their hypothetical orgy (and wasn't that a strange thought to have?). "And before you ask, I'd pick Kurt, and no, not just because he's gay."

Considering the feelings he'd had for Santana, Quinn, Rachel, and Lauren, it made complete sense. "You do like the bossy ones."

He barked a short laugh. "Yeah, plus he has the best ass in glee club."

"Not that I'm disagreeing with you, but I thought for sure you'd pick Rachel."

"She has best legs."

Memories of Rachel's long, toned legs disappearing into a variety of miniskirts flitted through Tina's brain and her mouth was suddenly dry. "Yes, she does." Mentally shaking herself, she added. "Santana has the best boobs."

"Well yeah, she bought them," Puck said. "But even before that, they were a thing of beauty, so I'll agree with you there. Now, your boyfriend definitely has the best abs."

"Don't I know it?" she said, fanning herself. "Do I need to worry about you trying to steal my man, Noah Puckerman?"

He laughed. "Nah, I learned my lesson. I don't get between the happy couples anymore unless they ask me to." He raised his eyebrows in what was clearly meant to be a suggestive way, but just came off as a bad parody of lewdness. The images that he was suggesting, though…

"So, Sam for best arms, yeah?"

That snapped her back to the moment. "Not yourself?"

"Present company excluded, of course," he said, showing off his guns as he usually did.

"Of course," she said, rolling her eyes. "Actually, I'm going to say Artie."

"Really?"

"He has to wheel himself around all day, you think that hasn't put some tone underneath those sweater vests?" she asked.

"I guess so," he said, "but his arms aren't that big."

"Size isn't everything," Tina intoned, then nearly slammed her face into her hand when she realized what kind of opening that gave him.

"Oh really?" Puck asked, lecherous grin on his face. "Does this mean that Mikey isn't quite rising to standards?"

"Mike has plenty to work with," she snapped back. "But he also knows how to work with it, and that matters too."

"I can attest to that," came a third voice. Tina and Puck snapped their heads around to see Kurt standing in the open doorway. "Not in Mike's personal case, but the general concept is true."

"Kurt, you came early!" Tina aimed a kick at Puck when he snorted at that.

"You didn't show up at lunch," he explained. "Do I even want to know what you two have been doing down here?"

"Talking about your ass," Puck said, grin firmly in place.

Despite Puck's clear efforts to make him uncomfortable, Kurt barely betrayed a blush. "Yes, it's a very nice ass, isn't it? But it and the rest of me are going back to lunch now, so unless you want to stay stuck down here—"

Puck was off the couch and out the door before Kurt could finish the sentence. Kurt and Tina watched him clamber up the dark staircase. "What's his problem?" Kurt muttered.

"He's been stuck here all morning," Tina explained, "so I'm hoping it's his bladder. Otherwise, there's a good chance he relieved himself sometime before I came along."

Kurt wrinkled his nose. "Ew."

"Tell me about it."

"So how did you hit on your conversation topics, anyway?" he asked as they started climbing the stairs.

"I'm not sure," she said. "One minute it's books and sandwiches, the next it's your butt and Mike's dick." Tina smiled slightly. "I guess you just had to be there."


End file.
